Dealing with family dynamics

If you are one of the lucky ones to still have one or both of your parents still alive, you may find yourself dealing with their declining mental and/or physical abilities. These problems can also sometimes extend to a spouse or mate. This can be very stressful, even if your loved one is not actually living with you.

This past year, I've been dealing with both situations. My mom, who is 89, went into an assisted living facility because she just couldn't safely live at home anymore. She has always been a very independent woman, used to handling her own business and doing her own thing. So moving to assisted living and having to depend on others for so many everyday things has been extremely difficult for her.

Also, my husband has been showing a cognitive decline for several years, but we just recently got a diagnosis from a neurologist. He has a progressive type of aphasia (kin to dementia) which affects communication and understanding, as well as sympathy and empathy.

I admit I am not a very patient person, so his problems with communication and understanding have definitely been hard for me to deal with. After the diagnosis, it has been a bit easier because I know there is a medical reason behind it. But it is never easy.

As for mom, I have learned (the hard way) that in many cases, I have been enabling her, making her even more dependent on me. This is somewhat like enabling a grown child who doesn't want to get out on her own. Recently, though, I have been encouraging her to be her own advocate in her living situation, because I can't always be there. With my current medical situation, I think she has realized that she is going to have to step up and do some things for herself - things she CAN do. And I am going to have to let her.

This is hard for me, though, because I tend to feel I have to be everything to everyone. I think most women get to this point at some time, trying to juggle parents, spouses, kids, grandkids, work, church, and all the extra activities we get ourselves into. Often our personal health is put on the back burner, because we shoulder so many other responsibilities, and our efforts often go unnoticed.

There have been days in the past few weeks when I thought "Lord, how can I handle everything I have to handle, and get everything done?" And of course, that little voice from God says "Because you have Me to shoulder them." So as you are reading this blog, just know that you are not alone. It is just in the female DNA to feel as though we have to do it all by ourselves! But we are NOT alone. God is with us, as are countless other women out there who deal with the same feelings.

As a side note - even though you might feel like you are loaded to the brim with things to do, don't forget to do a few things for YOU! Find something that you LOVE to do, and find the time to go do it. My particular thing is music. A friend of mine told me "You need to get out of some of your music responsibilities", but I told her those things were what keep me sane in my busy hectic world. And every woman needs that special thing that keeps her sane and gives her undiluted pleasure! If that thing for you is shopping, or getting a pedicure or sitting on your porch and reading, FIND THE TIME TO DO IT - whatever it is! You will be healthier for it!

My son's saying - THIS IS JUST A SEASON IN LIFE - use that as your mantra. Find time for YOU, and find encouragement in other women who can help and be mentors to you. Take a deep breath, say a prayer, and continue to be the ROCK that you are!